Pamphlets
by foraworldundeserving
Summary: Because as much as he wanted to, no matter how easy it was to stay naive and pretend that relationships never went beyond the touch of a fingertips, Kurt had to face up to the facts and the truth. He couldn't stay a baby penguin any longer.


**This story discusses adult themes such as: sex, masturbation, virginity and loss of virginity and so on. If you are reading this and you shouldn't be, please leave.**

**I was trawling through the Glee episodes I have on my computer, and I came across Sexy which I generally refuse to watch because of the _Animal _thing and then the follow up in Kurt's bedroom. But I was actually looking for a Pizes scene at that point and, as I scrolled through, I suddenly saw a snippet of Kurt and Burt and remembered the Talk scene. So I watched it again and _my __goodness_, that man is amazing. His advice was incredible, not just for gay teenagers but for all of them. And I knew those words would have an impact on Kurt. And then I began to wonder how it would impact their relationship. We don't see anything physical on set, but behind closed doors…**

**There is NO action (unless you count kissing and light making out), just words and insinuations to actions.**

**SPOILERS: I also started writing this before I heard about 3x05 and, once I did, I realized I wanted to get this up before then. So to clarify, this happens during the start of summer, so there's quite some time between this and 3x05.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

><p>It wasn't until a few weeks after they had started dating that Kurt brought up the subject.<p>

It was fair enough after all; sex wasn't exactly a subject you discussed with someone who had _just _become your boyfriend, especially when your kisses were still chaste enough at that point to be done in front of parents if you felt so inclined.

But after Kurt had gone back to McKinley, that had all changed. Because now they didn't have the small, simple gestures one could have when they went to the same school as their significant other. No more holding hands as they walked down the hallway, a kiss on the cheek here and there and hours - _hours_- of alone time to do whatever they wanted with. Which, for the most part would be to put in a movie and cuddle, kissing occasionally. There had been no hurry at Dalton.

But now their alone time was relegated to half an hour on odd afternoons at the Lima Bean and occasionally a few hours of a weekend when neither one was busy. And even then, Finn or Burt would be hanging around to make sure they didn't get up to anything in particular. Blaine's house was completely out of the question since his parents were always out.

And maybe their decisions were right nowadays, not that Kurt would ever admit it to them. Because in the past week or so, they had slowly begun to experiment. Nothing overtly sexual, of course, but their previously chaste and relaxed kisses had become something of an urgency, something they could only share in this small amount of time in the back of Kurt's car on the way home from a movie, or in the darkness outside his house as they said goodbye. So if their hands wandered down each other's sides a bit instead of gently cupping faces, it was understandable. And if Blaine's tongue had begun slowly slipping into Kurt's mouth, well, who was he to complain? Especially because it felt so _good_.

But that was what he had begun to worry about.

It wasn't like Kurt was afraid of sex anymore, thanks to the pamphlets and awkward conversation with his father the next morning when Kurt had actually dared to ask him a few questions. No, in fact sex sounded like something that could be quite enjoyable when Kurt was ready. The deciding word was _ready_, though, and Kurt knew he wasn't anywhere near ready. But was Blaine? Were all of these new developments an indication that Blaine wanted to take things further and presumed Kurt felt the same way?

Kurt needed to find out.

* * *

><p>Saturday afternoon found Kurt and Blaine in Kurt's bedroom, curled up on his bed together and making the most of their time. While it was the beginning of Summer, it wouldn't be long until Blaine was off to Six Flags and Kurt knew, once again, that their time was limited. Finn was at Rachel's, Burt was working and Carole had just been called in for an emergency shift, leaving the two home alone for the first time… well, ever. Cuddling had quickly progressed to kissing, and while Kurt was perfectly happy in Blaine's lap with Blaine's tongue exploring his mouth, the questions were still running around his brain and he knew that this time they had alone was the best time to discuss it.<p>

So it was to Blaine's surprise that Kurt broke free from one of their kissing sessions, sitting back against the wall and quietly saying, "Blaine, we need to talk."

Blaine frowned and Kurt saw a flash of panic in his eyes, followed by resignation. "I should've known it was too good to be true," he murmured, his voice sounding slightly uneven.

Kurt found himself mimicking Blaine's frown. "What are you talking about?"

"You've got the 'I'm breaking up with you' voice on…" Blaine trailed off and Kurt's eyes widened.

"Blaine, honey, _no_," he said quickly, grabbing his boyfriend's hands. "Not a chance, okay? You know I'm crazy about you." Kurt put every ounce of sincerity into his voice, wanting Blaine to know, even if Kurt wasn't ready to say it yet, that he d him. "Besides, how do you know what a 'I'm breaking up with you' voice sounds like if I've never broken up with you?"

Blaine thought for a second. "You may have a point," he said sheepishly. "So what did you want to talk to me about then?"

And now it was Kurt's turn to try and not freak out, because no matter how much more comfortable he had gotten with the subject, he was still about to talk about _sex _with his boyfriend. His boyfriend who seemed so comfortable with the subject himself, or at least had when he had tried to talk to Kurt about it… _that __might __help. _"So you remember back before we started dating when we did _Animal_? And you sort of tried to get us to have that…" Kurt gestured over to his vanity, "_talk_?"

Blaine frowned. "Yeah?" Then his eyes widened. "Kurt, are you saying you want to talk about… _sex_?"

"I know we've only been dating for a few weeks now and it's probably not the way to bring it up and I don't _know _if there's any particular social etiquette to discussing… _that _with your boyfriend -"

"Hey, shh." Blaine was suddenly right there, tugging Kurt into his lap. "It's alright. It's just me, okay?" Kurt took a couple of deep breaths, trying to work out why he had gotten so panicked all of a sudden. _I __thought __I __was __okay __with __this_… "Better now?"

Kurt nodded. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I wanted to talk about this calmly and like adults… and then I just freaked. I just don't want you to get the wrong impression, like I'm trying to _beg _you for it or something because that's not what I was trying to say at all. Not even close."

"Well, tell you what, how about you tell me what you do want to say?" Blaine gently shifted Kurt out of his lap and moved so they were sitting facing each other. Kurt instinctively reached for his hands which Blaine gave. "I'll listen."

"I don't want to be the only one talking though. I want to ask you some stuff as well. Not in _that _way," he said quickly as Blaine's eyebrows raised. "I learned enough about that with my dad's talk. But there's some things I want to know about your views on … it."

Blaine nodded. "But Kurt, if we're going to talk about this, I need something from you." Kurt frowned but nodded anyway, waiting. "I need you to use the proper terminology. We're talking about sex, so talk about sex."

And _that _scared him more than he thought it would. But this was for Blaine and for their relationship, and besides, Kurt was seventeen years old. He could talk about sex. "Okay."

"So what do you want to ask me?" Blaine's hands were still in his, tight and reassuring. But Kurt could see the little flicker of unsureness in his boyfriend's eyes and realized they were in this together. Neither of them had experience with this sort of thing, so he really couldn't go too far wrong.

He started off simple with something he had always wondered. "How did you find out about… sex?"

"Internet," Blaine said immediately. "Thank goodness I had my own laptop at that point, I can just imagine forgetting to clear the internet history and my parents finding it." He shuddered. "It wasn't the best method, there's a _lot _of stuff out there that isn't right or accurate. But I got enough, I hope."

"What if you didn't?" Kurt asked before he could stop himself.

Blaine shrugged. "I'm not going to know until I start trying things out. But once I get to the stage where myself and the person I'm with are ready to take that step, I'm pretty sure I'll do some more research. I know its not going to be perfect the first time anyway."

Kurt nodded before feeling like he should reciprocate. "Well you know my dad got me those pamphlets, so they covered most of the… _mechanics.__" _Kurt felt himself blush. "I guess the rest of it just comes with practice and experience."

"I think so. David makes no secret of the fact that he's had sex and he told me it wasn't perfect the first time either. But then again, they say it's different for us and not just because of the physical…"

_With two guys, you've got two people who think sex is just sex…_

Kurt blinked. He hadn't thought about his dad's words in a long time, but now that Blaine had said that they were all flooding back. "Apparently guys don't get the emotions behind it," he said, staring down at their hands. "Guys can separate the emotional and the physical into two separate ideas. Girls can't."

"To be honest, I'm not sure I could either." And for some reason, after everything else he had said, Blaine blushed at _that_. "I guess just the thought of someone seeing you at your most _exposed_, most…"

_When you're intimate with someone in that way, you're exposing yourself… you're never going to be more vulnerable._

"Vulnerable," Kurt completed, nodding. "I know. I know what you mean, and…"

_You've got to know that it means something… it's doing something to you, to your heart, to your self esteem, even though it feels like just 'having fun.'_

He hesitated for a second before deciding _to __hell __with __it_. They'd been incredibly honest with each other so far anyway, and Kurt trusted Blaine. "That's why I've been afraid of sex. Because I have to let someone in completely. I have to let someone in, not only to my body but to my heart."

Blaine nodded, squeezing his hands gently. "Of course you know it's going to feel amazing and be worth that vulnerability and fear?"

"I do know that, now. But I'm glad I know about the vulnerability beforehand without just focusing on how much fun it'll be." Kurt had a sudden thought strike him, almost freezing the blood in his veins. Of course he wouldn't _judge _Blaine if it was true, but still… "Blaine? You said you've never had a boyfriend but have you ever… fooled around?"

"No," Blaine said immediately before pausing. "Wait, I assume you just mean with other people?" Kurt nodded. "Then no, definitely not."

And now they were entering territory that Kurt wasn't sure he could handle, because Blaine was looking at him like he was waiting for his answer to the unspoken question that had been raised. And that was _personal_. But he could do it. "I've never done anything with anybody else either," he started. Blaine hummed, giving his hands a squeeze. "But I have… with myself."

"Terminology, Kurt."

Kurt blew out an irritated sigh. "I masturbate, okay?"

The second it was out of his mouth, he wanted to hide. Kurt had _never _dreamed of admitting anything of that sort to anybody, _ever_. And now it was out there and he sounded like some kind of perverted _fool_…

Blaine seemed to sense his embarrassment, pulling Kurt into his arms again. "It's alright, there's nothing wrong with it, I don't think any less of you for it at all, okay?"

Kurt buried his head into Blaine's neck, shaking slightly. "It just sounds so… _wrong_."

And then Blaine was pulling away so he could look into his eyes. "What exactly is wrong about it, Kurt?" Kurt ducked his head, feeling the words sting at him, but again Blaine understood. "And I don't mean that judgmentally, I just want to know why you think you shouldn't be allowed to masturbate."

"Because it's what you see in all of that porn. You see the guys practically putting on a _show _for you and making it just look lewd and disgusting and everything's so _big _and…" Kurt shuddered, unable to bear thinking about it any longer. "I don't want to be like them. I don't ever want it to be like that."

There was a moment of silence where Kurt couldn't dare to look up, instead watching his fingers twist in the blankets. Somehow they had lost contact and Kurt couldn't help but feel completely exposed even though they were only _talking _about sex. It was like Blaine had just opened a door to look at all of his most depraved thoughts and Kurt wanted to slam it shut, lock the key and make sure nobody could get back in there again.

"Kurt, baby, look at me?"

And it was that _baby _that got him more than anything, because Blaine had never done pet names before and Kurt liked it far more than he thought he would. Slowly he raised his eyes to see Blaine staring back at him with complete understanding reflected in his. "I get what you're saying, trust me. But you're _nothing _like that, I _promise_. What you choose to do in the privacy of your own home is very different to what people post on the internet for the purpose of getting other people aroused."

"Why?" Kurt couldn't help but feel completely naive, but he honestly couldn't see the difference.

Blaine took his hands again, lacing their fingers together. "Because you aren't showing yourself off to others, you're not telling the world what you're doing. You're just a teenage boy taking care of his needs, and you're _absolutely _not the only one who does it. In fact, you'd be in a definite minority if you _didn__'__t _do it." Kurt raised an eyebrow and waited, Blaine realizing what he was waiting for a few seconds later. "Okay, I'd better abide by my own rules. Yes, I masturbate too."

"Can I ask you something?" Kurt murmured, trying to keep the blush from spreading across his face and failing. Blaine nodded reassuringly. "When we're together, making out, do you ever get…"

His words failed him and Blaine moved closer so their knees were touching. "Kurt, you need to, remember?"

"Do you ever get turned on?"

Now _both _of them were blushing, but somehow this reassured Kurt more than anything else. Blaine was human too, Kurt wasn't the only one who got embarrassed by this stuff. So taking another leap of courage, he continued. "Because I've started to."

And _wow_, Blaine's eyes widened and his breathing hitched and Kurt blinked. _Does __that __mean __what __I __think __it __does?_

"I do too," Blaine breathed, his words suddenly rushing out. "I worked _so _hard to keep it from you though because I didn't want to make you think that because I was turned on, I wanted anything more from you. And I just _really _hope you know that isn't the case, you do know that don't you?"

Now it was Kurt's turn to pull Blaine into his lap, holding until he calmed down. "I know that, don't worry. And that's why I wanted to have that conversation with you, to make it perfectly clear for both of us where we stand and what we want and where our boundaries are. Okay?"

"Okay," Blaine murmured back, making no indication to move from Kurt's lap, instead resting his head on Kurt's shoulder and looking up at him. Kurt felt a sudden rush of affection and leaned in to press a kiss to his boyfriend's forehead. It wasn't like Blaine was _weak _or anything, but seeing him vulnerable like this wasn't a common occurrence and Kurt wanted to do everything he could to protect him and keep him feeling safe.

"What exactly is it about me that turns you on?" Kurt said slowly, trying to get his head around the concept that he could have that much of an effect on someone like _Blaine_. Blaine who was so gorgeous and handsome and pretty much a perfect specimen of human being, got _turned __on _by him, Kurt.

Blaine took a deep breath and Kurt suddenly realized he was shaking slightly. "_Everything_, Kurt. It's not just what we do, and I mean that's the biggest culprit, but even when I see you sometimes I can't stop thinking about how much I want to kiss you and even do more even though I _know _we're not ready for that. And I know how this is going to sound but those _jeans_."

Kurt raised an eyebrow, glancing down at the jeans in question and trying to work out what the problem was. "What about them?"

"They're _tight_."

_Oh_.

"You're one to talk," Kurt found himself saying before his brain had really processed the words. "Whenever you're out of uniform it drives me _crazy_, especially when you wear those purple jeans of yours."

And there was that vulnerability again, so strong and sudden and Kurt couldn't work out why until Blaine murmured, "I didn't think you thought… anything like _that _about me."

"Why not?"

Blaine sighed quietly. "I tell you that I think you're beautiful all the time and I never hear anything in return so I guess I just figured you didn't find me as physically attractive as I find you. It's not a big deal, really."

_Oh wow, look who's an idiot._

"You do realize I don't even _compare _to how good looking you are?" Kurt said quickly and completely truthfully. "I've always thought you were so incredibly handsome, I just never really knew how to tell you without it sounding weird or forced but Blaine, you're _gorgeous_." Blaine looked stunned and it honestly hurt. "Has nobody ever told you that?"

"I never really had anybody to tell me that before," Blaine admitted quietly. "I mean, you have the girls who I'm sure tell you how gorgeous you are, but none of the Dalton guys ever really talk that way with me and - well, it's never come up. Obviously my _parents_, but that's different."

Kurt shook his head, wrapping his arms tighter around his boyfriend. "Then I'll have to make sure to tell you more often, because, believe me, you are gorgeous, handsome, beautiful, sexy -"

"Sexy?"

Yeah, there was that blush again. "I -"

"So are you."

And Kurt wanted to deny it, to say that of course he wasn't, not after the _Animal _debacle, but the way Blaine was looking at him made it impossible to argue because clearly Blaine felt very strongly about this.

So did Kurt. And Blaine was right there, staring up at him, just _begging _to be kissed…

And then they were kissing again with a feverish urgency, Blaine's tongue slipping into his mouth with a practiced ease, causing Kurt to go weak. A low moan built up at the back of his throat and all he wanted was to keep doing this _forever_…

_And once you start doing this stuff, you're not going to want to stop._

Kurt felt the words hit him like a bucket of ice cold water. "Blaine, Blaine, wait," he murmured, pushing Blaine away and trying to ignore the confused and hurt expression on his boyfriend's face. But before he had time to explain, Blaine was out of his lap and there was a good few inches between them. Kurt immediately reached out, trying to take his hand. "Blaine, honey, I'm not rejecting you. I would to keep doing that, but we need to talk about it, remember? Setting boundaries?"

Blaine relaxed. "Sorry," he said quietly. "I just really don't want to screw this up."

"You're not going to," Kurt explained calmly. "Sure, you'll make mistakes. So will I. It's all a part of being in a relationship. Screwing up is cheating or breaking up with me for something stupid and I trust you that neither of those will happen - anything else can and will be worked through. Now," Kurt continued quickly before they could get distracted again, "boundaries."

There were a few seconds of silence - clearly neither of them was sure where to start. "Well," Blaine began slowly, "I'm happy with what we do so far if you are?" Kurt nodded because _that _was a given. "And obviously we're not ready to have sex completely but there's a whole lot of territory in the middle of that and it all depends on what we class as the line between sex and not sex too."

"This is so much easier for straight couples," Kurt grumbled, earning himself a laugh. "Well it is! Um… do you have any ideas where you want to draw that line or… you know, anything you want to try that we haven't yet?"

"To be honest, I think it'll take some time to figure out what we want. I mean, there might be some things that we don't want to do at all but we won't actually know until we've tried them. But, um, I always figured that I'd consider my virginity lost somewhere around oral sex."

Of course Kurt _had _to blush. "I - yeah. That sounds like a good line to me too. And as for everything else… well, when it happens, it happens."

Blaine frowned a little at that. "If that's what you want, then okay. But I want you to be completely sure of what you want. Sex is a big deal for you, Kurt."

Kurt mimicked his frown. "You mean it's not for you?"

"Well, not as much." Blaine shrugged. "I mean, you've had these concerns about it for so long and I'm pretty much okay with it, so I want to make sure your first time is so special, because you're worth it."

"What about you?"

Blaine was tracing his thumb gently along the veins on the back of Kurt's hand. "Not as big a deal. You matter more."

_Don't throw yourself around like you don't matter. 'Cause you matter, Kurt._

"You matter, Blaine." Kurt put everything he could into the words, causing Blaine to look up. "You matter _equally _as much as I do. We're both virgins, and we both deserve to have our first time to be special. If… if we did end up being each other's first and I found out afterwards that it wasn't as amazing for you as it was for me because of that, I'd _hate _myself, Blaine. You need to understand that. It's about _both _of us."

"You're right," Blaine said softly. "This has to be about both of us, because this isn't just an action. This is us showing how much we care about and trust each other - and Kurt, the fact that you trusted me enough to bring up the topic today is so amazing."

And Kurt knew this time to lean in and kiss him, that they weren't going to get out of control or forget their conversation, that they simply needed to show their feelings for each other in a way that words couldn't.

"So, are we happy to leave it there?" Blaine asked as they broke apart, smiling when Kurt nodded. "And if we need to talk about it again, we can. But right now we're on the same page and we'll know when we're ready to go further."

_When you're ready, I want you to be able to do everything. But when you're ready, I want you to use it as a way to connect to another person. _

"We're not ready, are we?"

Blaine shook his head. "Not yet. But I think we will be, possibly soon, and I'm glad we talked about it now. I don't ever want sex to be something we regret. I -" Blaine hesitated for a second, visibly drawing up his nerve. "I plan to be with you for a very long time and I don't want something like that hanging over our relationship."

Sighing happily, Kurt curled his arms around Blaine, resting his head against his boyfriend's shoulder as Blaine maneuvered them so they were lying together, wrapped in each other's arms. And Kurt knew he was exactly where he belonged.

"Blaine?" Blaine hummed to show that he was listening. "Is it normal to talk about sex and then cuddle instead?"

Blaine chuckled. "Probably not. But when have we ever been normal?"

"Point taken." Kurt rolled his eyes fondly. "I love you."

"I love you too."


End file.
